I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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