Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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