it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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