I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
