we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
