I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
