I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
