I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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