I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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