Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
