so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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