He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You have to summon your inner elephant
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
