I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
