I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
