once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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