right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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