You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
