I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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