I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
