dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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