Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
