My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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