she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize