Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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