Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
