It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
