He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
