Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
