The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
