she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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