Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
