I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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