Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
