there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
