Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can't turn off my feet"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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