WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She told me I should be a condom model.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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