i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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