Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
sex in a hospital.. check
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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