I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
