dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
