Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
