my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
