I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's rum buckets o'clock
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
