I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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