Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
