should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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