Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize