True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
