The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
