I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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