All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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