upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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