I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
