I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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