Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
