There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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