The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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