I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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