her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
