I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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