So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
