I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
